Sorts of Sports

Oh Say Can You Sing?

Singing the National Anthem at any sporting event is an honor and a privilege. But singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl is a distinction bestowed upon only a select few. Whitney Houston. Barry Manilow (he’s awesome and you know it). Diana Ross. Christina Aguilera? Whoever suggested they hire the singer of the stripper anthem “Dirty” is definitely standing in the unemployment line this morning.
 
Aside from forgetting the lyrics, (don’t worry I’ll get to that in a moment) Christina Aguilera’s butchering of our sacred National Anthem is a travesty that will not soon be forgotten. First things first, did anyone else notice the woman’s uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy? And as much as I hate to say it, I think Miss Piggy has actually looked better on numerous occasions, and she’s made entirely of polyester (kind of like Christina’s JCPenny power-suit)! Aguilera’s post-coital hair and street-walker lipstick made her look trashier than the Sealy Mattress commercials during the first and third quarters, and at least those were entertaining.
   
If you took the under for how long it would take Aguilera to sing the National Anthem, you’re an idiot. The fact that she held out “Brave” for over 10 seconds alone should be some indication that this wasn’t going to be a one-and-done rendition. However, her divalicious artistic freedom was overkill to say the least. I appreciate it when artists work hard to make their performance memorable but was it really necessary for the minute and a half song to last almost three minutes? When it’s your concert, and people are paying their good money to hear you sing (although I doubt how many more will after this), take as long as you want Christina, but the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl is not the time to make a song your own.

Ok, so you’re nervous. You’re about to sing live on national TV in front of millions of people. Perhaps, before you step out on that stage you might want to go over the lyrics just one more time before you begin belting out the wrong verse. Is this really your first rodeo? You’ve been signing in front of millions of fans your whole life, get your act together and do it right! Do you know why they didn’t ask me to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl (aside from the fact I can’t sing)? Because I’d probably get nervous and mess it up. Do you know why they asked five-time Grammy Award winning Christina Aguilera (aside from the fact that sometimes she actually can sing)? It’s because they trusted that she would be able to do her job and make all the people serving our country overseas, or people who have served, or people that want to serve, or people that just love America proud. Fail Christina. Major Fail.