Going Green: You Can’t Beat What You Can’t Touch
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- Created on Thursday, 03 June 2010 21:46
- Written by JaMarcus Barkus
Rape Me Once, Shame on Me
Rape Me Twice…
Quick to boo and blast, then quick to forgive and forget, Boston fans are as loyal to the team as a St. Bernard and as loyal to the individual players as a Mormon husband. Only the thick skinned players are able to survive the Boston sports climate, never mind the weather, as they are held in high esteem and with high expectations. But, in Boston, we like to think that expectations transcend fields, courts, or rinks. Public scrutiny comes with the territory which translates into a mandated level of integrity for the city, the game, and the dream. Not to say that our little shamrocks are playing with angel wings, but when your star player is charged with breaking and entering a female body, it may be time to reassess the fan base priorities and remember that we love sport because it represents the potential for greatness in each of us. Right, LA? I’m pretty sure that I could whip up a Rohypnol Coolata too and force my way into the Promised Land faster than Moses and Aaron with my own magic stick. What I’m trying to say is that Kevin Garnett has a soul. Kobe does not. City of Angels, my ass.
It is absolutely not fair, though not surprising given Kobe’s uncontrollable affinity for the female form, that the Lakers are using feminine charm to distract Celtics players. No matter what your take is on Khloe Kardashian Odom, she is going to bother anyone who has never seen her in person before; that being the Green contingent in hostile Los Angeles. If she is sitting front row, Rondo is sure to have a bad night because he will be preoccupied with the courtside yeti threatening to crush him faster than a Man vs. Food restaurant challenge. What if she lays an egg right there in the arena and a brown Teletubby goes from person to person begging to be tickled? What kind of effect will this have on Lamar? Will he heat up and dominate the game like in NBA Jam? Or will he become disinterested and turn his priority to immediately making an obligatory rap video with his newborn “son”? Somebody has got to consider these things.
Trash Talking To the Top
It’s no secret that this year’s Celtics team has a bigger collective mouth than Omek the temple god from Legends of the Hidden Temple. Kendrick Perkins would complain to the refs about the air conditioning inside the Garden if given more of an opportunity and it seems as though that bald patch on the back of Rasheed Wallace’s head is the result of his brain being removed judging by the number of stupid technical fouls he is assessed. My opinion is that Pierce takes to the floor when shooting to accentuate hypothetical fouls all in an effort to win; or he has severe narcolepsy brought on by the termination of his dribble. I will not say a bad thing about Kevin Garnett because I truly believe he is a basketball warrior and his heart trumps all other flaws, though I will acknowledge that he does have a tendency to engage opposing players in rousing intellectual debates and arm bar matches during games. So, what? This green team talks the talk and walks the walk.
JaMarcus Courtside
- Sasha Vujacic. His name is Sasha. Much like a friend’s family cat, his name is Sasha. The most beautiful girl on the Lakers.
- Doc Rivers always sounds like he was at a Slipknot concert the previous night. I realize he makes his living as a coach, but would someone please get the man some Ricola throat lozenges.
- One of my roommates told me that Rajon Rondo’s hidden talent was that he could tie his shoes standing up. I believed him for a second.
- Jeff Van Gundy is the Ron Jeremy of the NBA.
- Is anyone else worried that this LA-Boston basketball rivalry might blow up into an East Coast-West Coast gang war, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the 2Pac-Biggie debacle of the mid-1990’s. Please let Engelwood vs. Roxbury get settled on some inconsequential middle-ground like Nebraska. Noone’s really from Nebraska, right?
There are things that can be grasped and measured like height, speed, vertical leap, points, rebounds, fouls, time, and score. But if there’s one thing that will always remain a mystery, it is the tenacity of the human spirit. The drive to excel and achieve should always remain paramount to the desire to rape. Another chapter about to be written in the legendary Boston-Los Angeles championship basketball dynasty book sold for a limited time by Sports Illustrated on infomericals and it should prove interesting beyond basketball. Sorry LA, but Lucky the Leperchaun is coming for you; but not your women and children. That’s not our style.
