Sorts of Sports

The Bachelor Girls and the NBA

I got sucked into the seasonal tradition of watching the first episode of The Bachelor last night, which subsequently leads to me watching every week thereafter, whether live or DVR. Go ahead and mock, but with no Monday Night Football, and regular season NHL/NBA, it seems like the perfect opportunity to watch 25 crazed girls get manipulated, not by a guy, but by each other. This season we are taking the girls of the Bachelor and putting them to good use. Each one can represent an NBA team, and the winner of the Bachelor will thus represent the NBA winner.

Let's just get down to the 18 teams left. It's like the NBA playoffs + 2. More than half the league is in the playoffs, and it's just a matter of who gets hot. The hottest girl gets the guy.

Rachel (Memphis Grizzlies) - She has messed up teeth. Can't win without a perfect smile. The Grizzlies have Zach Randolph

Erika (New York Knicks) - What's that? You have a lip tattoo? What's that? You have Toney Douglas running the point?

Elyse (Chicago Bulls) - Aggressive attitude with good looks. She is also from Chicago. The Bulls have a good chance at winning, but you're just not sold 100% for some reason. Conference Finals though are likely.

Jenna (Orlando Magic) - This girl is straight up crazy. She's crying already and causing drama, yet for some reason, the guy gave her a rose. It sounds a lot like why people think the Magic will make the playoffs. They have Dwight Howard and all of his drama, for now.

Courtney (Los Angeles Lakers) - A tall good looking model from LA, and the Lakers are from LA. Odds on favorite to win.

Emily (Golden State Warriors) - Cool girl with a fun personality. She's also finishing up her PhD and a germaphobe. The Warriors are cool. People like wearing their throwback gear and Mark Jackson is a fun gun. In the end, you'd rather just be friends and see Mark Jakson on ABC.

Samanta (Cleveland Cavs) - I don't know, she was a Pageant Girl or something, but she is forgettable and ugly. The same can be said for the Cavs. Who cares if they got the first pick? Won't mean anything come playoffs.

Casey (Portland Trailblazers) - I suppose there is hope here? She's unbecoming but could get a few roses along the way. The Trailblazers aren't anything special either and might get a few wins, but that is it.

Jamie (Milwaukee Bucks) - Fake Boobs, nothing else. Bucks have nothing else.

Blakely (Denver Nuggets) - Is she for real? Or is she a he? She could be in bed with Monica and that'd be cool if she was, but we don't know. It is a lot like this Nuggets team and we don't know if they are really good enough come playoff time. Are they just the Knicks v 2.0?

Brittney (Boston Celtics) - Who bring's their grandmother on the show and expects to win? Much like you wonder how the Celtics expect to win with their old cast. If all you've got is your grandma and no bench, you won't win the whole thing.

Nicki (Dallas Mavericks) - She's 26, Divorced, from Dallas, with a lower back tattoo. The Mavs have Odom, who's coming off a divorce from the Lakers. She's early odds on favorite to make it to the Conference Finals.

Jennifer (Oklahoma City Thunder) - An accountant with decent looks. Things add up for her, just like things should add up for the Thunder this year. They are putting things together, but do they have enough to make it all the way? Not likely. The full sex appeal isn't there.

Monica (Indiana Pacers) - Is this girl real? She's bisexual and is making other girls cry already, and yet, she seems normal and not that attractive. The Pacers aren't that attractive either, but they are a real threat to any team with self-esteem issues.

Jaclyn (Houston Rockets) - You are hideous. No lie. What are you doing here? Seriously Houston, what are you doing here?

Shawn (Miami Heat)  - She's got a child, the golden child, and so do the Miami Heat. You'd think she'd be the front runner, just as Emily was in the past bachelor season. She's also from Ohio. It's too good to be true

Kacie (Atlanta Hawks) - You seem like a lot of fun with a big smiile and a nice body. Could you be a true threat for once?

Lindzi (Los Angeles Clippers) - She came in on a black horse, last minute to steal the show. The Clippers grabbed up Chris Paul last minute, and suddenly became one of the favorites to win. She's hot

So we've got the Lakers (Courtney) and Clippers (Lindzi) with the Knicks (Elyse) and Heat (Shawn). The west is winning this year.