Sorts of Sports

I'll Be Your Fantasy (Team)

It’s late March.  Duke is the only #1 seed left in the tournament.  It’s raining like God wants to purge the earth of all evil.  And my ark sank because I filled it with Hostess cupcakes.  I am depressed; mostly because I just lost all of my cupcakes.  Not only does the weather suck, but my birthday is almost here.  Great. The sad truth is that I no longer get smeg-faced at the bar in celebration of my achievements as a young professional.  No, instead I up the ante to Amber Alert drunk, in order to forget the pain of still being a young professional.  It’s not that I want to hypothetically get hammered enough to abduct children, but it is necessary.  These are the dark sounds of each day passing while I lay awake at night.  My thoughts are what hold me as conscious prisoner, insomniac.  Well, my thoughts and the fire engine sirens screaming by all night from the station at the end of the street.  My thoughts, and the sirens, and the Asian Can Lady rummaging through our trash cans below my window at 3:00 AM.   My thoughts, and the sirens, and the Asian Can Lady, and our downstairs neighbors training for the World’s Strongest Man Competition from 4:00-5:00 AM.  C’est la vie.

But for nothing else, the one thing I can look forward to this spring from the drab disposition of a young professional is a shameless escape from reality:  Fantasy Land.  Fantasy Baseball Land.  ESPN.  Yahoo.  Rotissiere.  Head to Head.  It is my escape, my vicarious addiction.  It is a chance to become someone else, an alter-ego, like Tyler Durden; a chance to create something in my own image, like God in Genesis or ex-Broncos RB Travis Henry raw-dogging ten different women; a chance to be crowned an Arthurian king, surrounded by draft appointed knights of the MLB.  Baseball is back, bitches.

Now JaMarcus gon’ tell you how to run a fantasy team:

Don’t Call Me Ishmael

The key to the success of a fantasy team lies not in statistics, matchups, injuries, or quality of players, but in the overt hilarity of the team name.  For example, I pride myself on the creation of a witty, alliterative name each and every season without duplication.  Names like the Mushroom Tip Ticklers, Chocolate Strokers, Schtinky Pinkies, Scrot Rockets, Backdoor Burglars, Fingerblasters, Whispering Eyes, Balloon Knot Bumblers, and Chocolate Dirt Stars help to establish dominance in a league from the outset and will glorify your wit and fantasy prowess for posterity should your team be inscribed onto that championship trophy or placard.  Add an equally hilarious thumbnail as your team’s picture banner and you have an unstoppable combo.  No matter how horrendous your record, your team will command admiration and respect like Ron Jeremy at a Hong Kong hot dog stand.

Note:  The emphasis is on wit, whether it be relatively sexual, political, cultural, sports, or an inside joke with your buddies.  It is important not too be too vulgar.  I know what you’re thinking and yes, even I have trouble with this.  An excellent example of appropriate wit comes from a fantasy team name in my college fantasy football league this past year: 2 Mannings 1 Cup.  It is sporty, violent, and sexual.  It has all the makings of an excellent finger painting.  It is consummate.

Burn Me Once, Shame On Me

Burn Me Twice, Shame On Me

Every year, I pick up a run-of-the-mill pitcher off waivers.  And every year, that pitcher is invariably behind-the-curve.  As a good manager, you really shouldn’t pass-the-buck.  One subpar season from Derek Lowe, Bronson Arroyo, Joel Pineiro, Ted Lily, or Rodrigo Lopez and it’s time to call-it-quits for good.  Don’t-bet-on-the-same-horse-twice.  There are just too many fish-in-the-sea.  I may be going-out-on-a-limb here, but I’ve been known to drive-a-hard-bargain.  Baseball is cliché enough. Keep your lineup fresh.

Cradle Robbing

Learn from your mistakes.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  Observe, Daniel-son.  For example, take my roommate.  Let’s call him Jobayashi for his uncanny ability to scarf down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in under 4 minutes flat. Jobayashi has an affinity for young men when it comes to fantasy sports.  Year after year, he falls in love with a select few young studs and never looks back.  The problem with drafting rookies is that they are completely untested in the variable world of MLB.  For every good prospect available in the draft, there are at least two solid veterans who provide less risk and more bang for your buck.  Every year, Jobayashi ties his heart strings to several touted young hunks and every year he is heartbroken at the bottom of the league.  Give me the seasoned lumber of the long toothed Troy Glaus over Atlanta’s #1 prospect, 20 year-old Jason Heyward, any day of the week and twice on Manday.  Yes, I said Manday.  Trust the names you grew up hearing and they will love you right back.  Not like those selfish young bucks who never call you back after you draft them in the top 5 rounds.  Isn’t that right Jobayashi?  Jerks.

Carbo Loading

Instead of focusing on finesse categories such as SB or OBP, load your lineup with hitters that can put up more comprehensive batting stats like AVG, SLG, HR, RBI, BB, R and extra base hits.  Even if the lisping Johnny Damon steals 40 bags, he still throws like a girl and has a soft bat for an MLB outfielder.  Don’t fall into the trap that the odd category in the scoring block poses.  If you have well rounded offensive production, you will sweep the majority of batting stats.  Play the numbers like Tony LaRussa.  But not like Tony LaRussa taking a breathalyzer test.

Right As Rainman

• • Pitching is tough to judge below the ace line.  Go with your gut.  Or go with the guy with the gut, like C.C. Sabathia, Carlos Zambrano, or Bartolo Colon.
  • Bud Selig is Keyser Soze
  • I like my bench as I like my women: versatile.  You need to be ready to eat cheesy fries for breakfast or play 3B; dance to every Lady Gaga song at the bar or play SS; speak intelligently about The Muppets or play 2B.  Do not underestimate the value of a utility infielder or Lindsay Lohan.
  • Anybody who squats for a living has it rough.  Unless you get Joe Mauer or Victor Martinez, it’s slim pickings at the toughest position in sports.  Eventually all catchers lose their legs and wind up looking like that amputee thing from the Jerry Springer Show.
  • I want a reality series following MLB ball girls who must prove proficiency by competing in a jai-alai dodgeball game with Hellga (6 ft., 205 lbs.) and Steel (5 ft.10 in., 155 lbs.) from the new American Gladiators.

Is everything you just read a load of crap?  Well, in the immortal words of Staff Sergeant Dignam, “Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe go !@#$ yourself.”  Everyone needs a fantasy world, a happy place.  Much like Happy Gilmore’s, mine is filled with strippers, midgets, balloons, and every type of fun imaginable.  And of course many creative fantasy baseball teams.  Happy spring and good luck.

- JaMarcus Barkus